I occasionally use the Network as the backdrop for whatever given article I'm writing, though I've never publicly named it. I'm a staff writer at Christ & Pop Culture and I've been published at Fathom Magazine as well. I haven't been public about most of this, but in my own way I've been subtweeting my experience in the Network for a few years now, throwing out flares to anyone who's been able to recognize them. And to whatever extent I embraced it to another person's detriment, I deeply regret it. I don't remember sitting at Network conferences where grace was the predominant feeling.įor a time I was bought into the Network's model of leadership, and I participated in it. When I think of my time in the Network, when I think of the things I was taught and the ways I was made to feel, those memories are filled with shame piled upon shame. Some years ago I heard someone say that people don't need help feeling shame. And the closer you get to the inside, the truer that becomes. I quickly learned "friendship" within these churches is often purely transactional and conditional. I built some great relationships on those fringes, but it's an odd experience to be intimately "close" to Network leadership one day, to consider these people your friends, and then in a flash be relegated to the side. Once I was no longer in leadership, I was essentially ignored and made to wallow for lack of attention and affection. I experienced firsthand how the Network treats its members on the margins. But as many of you experienced, eventually I could no longer reconcile that sense of calling I once felt with the inner turmoil and shame and infantilizing my leaders had set upon me. I was all in, and I genuinely thought I was going to serve in these churches until the day I died. I was removed from leadership after that, but I stuck around another 5ish years as a layperson trying to make the pieces fit. I was a group leader and worship leader up until 2013. I was in the Network from 2006 to 2017, serving at ClearView Church (now Foundation Church) in Bloomington-Normal, Illinois. Once again, I marvel (and cry) at how easily I can relate. Well, now that I'm out, I still have that same feeling, meeting countless people with stories of abuse, manipulation, and toxic leadership. I used to visit Network churches or go to conferences and I would marvel at how easily I could relate to people I'd never met. I've connected with several people who've left the Network and I often joke (in a twisted way) how my experience leaving mirrors the way it used to feel when we were still on the inside.
This is HARD stuff to work through, especially knowing many of you face public shunning and slander as a result. I'm in awe of the real freedom and grief I see in these comments. It's crazy to see this little support group come together.
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